Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
