dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
