I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
