She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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