I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
