Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
