Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
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He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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