Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
