i already hear my dad disowning me
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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