I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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