You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
