all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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