Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Duck Duck Cougar?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
