I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
