At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
