Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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