Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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