One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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