my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
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