All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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