just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
