Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
