i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
