grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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