beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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