Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
two words: eviction party
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize