Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
