I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
