I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wear drunk well.
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