M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize