How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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