The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
3 2 1 whiskey
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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