Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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