the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
