we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
