Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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