Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
