Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Randomize
