she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
