8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.