I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dating After Heartbreak
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.