You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
