break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
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Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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