omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
