I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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