just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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