I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How does it feel to date your dad?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
