and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
