then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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