Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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