if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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