Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
