just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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