If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
