Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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