I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
