i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
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I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
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I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.