Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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