we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
