Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
