This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Randomize
